Last updated April 10, 2022

Status: #literature/books/finished Author: Medium: #literature/books/social Links: Finished-Reading List - Ask Powerful Questions- Create Conversations That Matter Application

Ask Powerful Questions- Create Conversations That Matter

Intro

People want to be heard and understood. It may be the highest calling of our humanity

• To ask powerful questions, we oneed to provoke thought and mitigate the possibility of unscripted responses
  • Explore the unknown, encourage deep listening
• Asking powerful questions is a pyramid
  • Foundational base, and more intricate skills as you progress forward !Pasted image 20210619134048.png
• Each layer is related to an attempt to know someone
• Asking powerful questions can be applied to conversations as well as ourselves

“It’s painless to pretend like we are victims in this life, putting off our happiness to the circumstances presented. Is that really how you feel though? Do you really feel that helpless? If so, why? If so, what’s holding you from seeing all this magic? Saying, ‘It’s not my fault, it’s yours.’ Swallow those words and smile. Take responsibility for your journey. Take pride in it. Look at you! You started as a seed, shot out a vagina, and now you’re skipping around a flying spaceship through a galactic cosmos. Such a special opportunity to feel bliss in this short existence we call human. It’s open for you to see, I know this, and you know this. How do we experience reality fully? Where to start? Why do we choose to read, or watch or counsel or drug ourselves, having been taught to seek only outside for answers? Why have we never been told to ask ourselves? It’s not too late to start.”

• Asking questions benefits everyone’s learnings, and asking powerful questions can heighten collaboration and innovation

  • Be the catalyst to creating conversations that matter

• We don’t even need to initially know what someone is going through to help; by showing that we are ready to listen and that we care, they can naturally open up to us

  • Overlook the generic “fine”
    • What’s going on for you right now?
    • What’s really going on for you right now?
    • Okay, we can leave this conversation as if you were truly fine, and I’m okay with that, but I wanted to let you know that I can see you and I can see something else. It’s your choice.
    • I’m not sure what I see, but it’s a deep sadness, and there’s obvious symptoms for it… I’m guessing that you have a burden on you right now that you are afraid of sharing. What are you afraid of?

• Asking powerful questions entails exploring the unknown that surrounds us

Overview

• Pyramid
  • Intention enables the other skills
  • Rapport entails asking powerful questions
  • Openness entails how to make questions open-minded and free of judgement
  • Listening entails encouraging them to share
  • Empathy entails what we are being
• Types of things in the pyramid levels include:
  1. Traps
     • Obstacles, prevent moving forward
  2. Antidotes
     • Counteracts traps, big ideas
  3. Tools
     • Actions to move forward
  • ex) To cure a cough (trap), you need to take cough medicine (antidote) with a spoon (tool)

Pyramid

Intention

• We need a connection with someone to base our questions off of
• Intent gives us the potential to ask powerful questions
• Our prepraration and knowledge of a topic is futile if we don’t also focus on our audience
  • Make it an intention to not just present, but to share the knowledge
• Questions include:
  • What are you aiming for?
  • What is your purpose?
  • What are you trying to achieve?
• By sharing and being clear with our intention, we invite others to grow and evolve by allowing participation
  • If we lack a strong intention, people may be skeptical to open up, especially if the question is vulnerable
  • “Why are you confused?” vs “Just to see if anyone else is experiencing the same issues, what are you confused about?”
    • Non-judgmental expression that benefits the group

Tools

• Be open with what we know
• Consider the types of intent
  • Future-focused
    • Our ideal vision
    • ex) I want a healthy relationship
    • How do I want the world to exist?
  • Outcome-focused
    • Intended results
    • ex) I want to go on dates every month
    • What result am I expecting from this meeting that would be useful for everyone involved?
  • Commitment-focused
    • Promises
    • ex) I will never cheat on you
    • What promise have I made that I want to live fully in this moment?
• Ask clarifying “we” questions
  • Using “we” makes it more inclusive and cooperative
  • Encourages accountability
• Share and be vulnerable
  • Finding unity through shared intentions is worth the occasional judgement
  • State your intention before asking the question
• An initial intent
  • A go-to mindset for unexpected events
  • Can be incorporated into different scenarios
  • ex) When approached by a stranger, think to yourself, “I will leave this interaction with them feeling better than when they had entered it”
  • ex) peace, belonging, understanding
  • Should be reflective of our drive and values
• Intention in groups
  • Show your intention as well by catering to people’s needs
    • ex) If someone is tired, dim the lights for them
    • ex) I intend to create a space in which all of us can find meaning in our work and make a make a difference by contributing to the whole.

Traps

• Intention based on fear is not useful for ourselves or the people around us
  • Only relevant in survival mode
  • Uplifting intentions are more inspiring and effective
  • Antidote: Dig deeper to truly find out what our intention is
• Manipulation
  • Happens when we don’t share our intention or fake it
  • Can lead to misunderstandings
  • Antitode: Be precise and concise

Reflective Practices

Before a meeting:

• What are we aiming to achieve and what about that is important for everyone?
• What is the overall picture that needs to be clear for us to fully leverage our time in this meeting?
• How can I be accountable for the whole?
• State your intention
• If things get out of control, bring back the intention

Rapport

Notice, Wonder, and Inquire

• Rapport is understanding a people understand each other’s feelings and ideas and communicate well
• Amplifies the power of communication/powerful questions
• Both parties having a genuine curiosity for someone else generate meaningful rapport
  • What if you could influence your curiosity onto someone else? How can you inspire curiosity in someone?
• We can try to downplay the importance of relationships in our lives in order to prioritize work, but it makes the working process harder
• Combining our fears and desires with other people allows us to collectively work towards them through everyone’s strengths and weaknesses
  • Curious and solution-driven replaces our fears
• Signs of rapport can be found when a person is not:
  1. In the way or competition
  2. A means to get something
  3. Someone we are trying to impress

If you learn how to establish rapport with people with whom you have no agenda (e.g., strangers), then you will more likely and more effortlessly connect with the folks that you are working with

Tools

• Asking our curiosity
  • Ask people about the characteristics you want to learn more about
  • We can be curious of things we don’t like
  • Cultivate curiosity by asking:
    1. What is this moment teaching me?
       • Keep peeling away the layers to try and find deeper meaning
         • ex) I have a lot of hand-made projects around me → I like learning about the stories of objects → I love learning about how things work
    2. What is happening here that I am curious about?
    3. How does this person see the world from their perspective?
    4. What items of mine express certain beliefs?
       • ex) Comfortable shoes expresses our desire to stay outdoors for long periods of time
  • When in a constrained appearance setting (uniforms), finding and acknowledging a person’s attempts to be unique will flatter them
• Being present in the current situation
  • ex) When a student of his was hesitant on sitting near them, the author asked her why, and helped her self-reflect and work towards overcoming her fear
  • If we assume based on things in the past, then we may not be able to truly understand the current situation
  • Talking about the present is the most engaging
    • We can join their thoughts as both of you are able to witness the event
• Introduce yourself for every person in a meaningful way:
  1. “Hi, I’m __”
  2. When receiving a name, say it a few times then ask about it
  3. Engage in curiosity and have a follow-up question
  4. Invite others into the conversation who look like they want to join
  5. Guide others to already-ongoing conversations
  • The goal is to make the room lively and make sure everyone is seen
• Connect people to each other
  • “Connection before content”
  • Ask a question and get people to share their answers
    • What compelled you to say “yes” to the invitation to be here, and what about that is important?
    • What are you aiming to achieve at work, and what about that is important?
    • 15 minutes of groups of 3-4, stop discussion then ask: “What struck you about what you heard in your group?”
    • Helps establish some form of connection with everyone in the room

Traps

• Fears of Rejection or looking dumb
  • Antidote: Identify and solve through curiosity
    • Learn to higher prioritize curiosity over fear

    If you try to fake it, others will know and you will not be in a place of connection. It is important to act on natural, genuine curiosity

    • Curiosity is developed by:
      1. Being present
         • Slow down the desire to rush
         • Engage with what “is”
      2. Pay attention to what is happening now
         • Characteristics
         • Let go of expectation
         • Suspend judgement
      3. Listen to what we are drawn towards and be drawn towards them
      4. Finding out further curiosities
• Requiring commonalities
  • We can find connections without commonalities
  • People are more than our assumptions, and we can use our desire to learn the truth as powerful questions
  • By not acknowledging one’s bold characteristics, we fail to see someone for who they are
    • We straight up say, “I don’t see you”
    • Giving control to fear leads to mundane topics
    • Consider taking the risk and asking about it
      • Demonstrates honesty, vulnerability, and genuineness
• Invisible question lists/procedures
  • Feels safe but is not what we truly want
  • As we develop our skills, we should be able to depend less on guidelines
  • If we are not curious, then don’t ask
• Giving compliments
  • Giving compliments is not necessary
  • Is a judgemental statement
    • Closed off rather than a question
  • Can indicate manipulation
  • When giving compliments/being curious, be sure to also think from their point of view
    • If someone has a bold tattoo, instead of asking about it, ask about the interactions that result from it
  • Antitode: Prioritize rapport
    • Prevents a lack of answering from people as there is trust
    • If we want to perform deep and meaningful work, we need to strengthen our relationships
      • ex) Bond with workshop participants prior to starting
        • Sitting at your computer the whole time is a bad sign
• Feeling the need to connect to each person
  • Ideal, but virtually impossible
  • Antidote: Just be sure you see them and connect them

Openness

You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers. You can tell whether a man is wise by his questions. — Naguib Mahfouz, Nobel Prize Winner

• Should suggests an expected/right answer, could suggests openness and exploring possibilities
• We cannot ask an open question if we a re not open
• The opposite of being open is to be right
• When in groups, it’s okay to not know the answer
  • Helps create something new

Tools

• Name our triggers
  • When we catch ourselves, write it down
    • “Sorry, I just noticed that I was not really listening. I got hung up on a need to be right, and I know that is not helping us. Can you say that again? This time I am really going to listen to what you are trying to say. Thanks.”
• Asking open-ended questions
  • Avoid questions that start with Is, Do, Does, Where, When, or Who, and encourage questions that start with What, and How
• Restate a question
  • Don’t be afraid to mention that you are trying to work on asking better questions
  • Reinforce the habit
• Use feeling/thinking based questions
  • how does that make you feel? → What did that feel like? or What are your thoughts about this? or What resonated with you about . . . ?
    • Adjust questions depending on the type of person
  • Where does that feeling come from? When do feelings like that come up for you? Who (or What type of person) makes you feel like that?
• Tell me...
  • Even more open-minded
  • If they seem excited, tell me more
• Explore possible truths and scenarios a person has possibly been in
  • How do you deal with stressful situations when you are leading?
  • Don’t be specific, be general and seek the truth
• Be more conversational rather than interrogative
  • So it’s Friday; what do you hope to do tonight?
  • What are you excited about?
  • Ask whether we are asking the right questions !Pasted image 20210622160835.png

Traps

• Unknown triggers for proving our righteousness
  • Ask yourself or others the following questions:
    • What is it that I do when I have a need to be right?
    • What is the story I’m telling myself when I have a need to be right?
    • What is the story I’m telling myself when I am not really listening?
• Asking why questions with the idea that they are open, as well as using you
  • Why might probe someone to go on the defensive
  • Antidote: stop using it lol
    • Replace it with How or What
    • Remove you to focus on the process rather than the person
• Not being open or nonjudgemental when asking How and What
  • Saying How come and What made you
  • Be sure that we do not have any expectations or biases when asking our questions
  • Antidote: Be mindful
    • Are you asking those around you to justify their choices?
    • Do you want them to take a stance of defense?
• Already saying why
  • Acknowledging when we say why helps us be more mindful during future questions
  • Check our tone
• how do you feel?
  • Try to elicit the answer in a different form
  • Don’t overuse the question
• Creating hypothetical questions
  • Does not always apply to the real world and a person’s current situation
• Using “but”
  • Negates sincerity and emotion

Listening

• When we listen, we tend to look for an expectation or listen to what we want to hear
  • What we know, approval, next actions, problems
• When listening to someone, we provide them new opportunities, and develop trust/respect

People want to be heard and understood. It may be the highest calling of our humanity. When we are deeply listened to, we become the most alive. Your compassionate listening is a deep service to those around you, and it may be the greatest gift you can give.

• Reflective listening is when we reciprocate a person’s emotions and thoughts while conversing
• Discussion facilitators not only provoke insightful discussion, but also give each topic the time it deserves
  • Reflectice listening helps bring everyone to the same headspace
  • the listener to engage actively with the speaker
• Questions:
  • What brings you joy?
  • What is this moment (or life) teaching you, right now?
  • What are you curious about?
  • What is your biggest challenge?
  • Feel free to ask them to anyone

Tools

• Generate a list of what you want to listen for
  • Consider what other people may be listening gfor
  • ex) problems to solve
• Reflective listening statements
  • Help reciprocate a person’s thoughts
  • Major parts are beginning and end
  • “So, you are saying”, “I’m hearing”
  • Types
    1. Verbatim (clarification, say what they said)
    2. Translation (using our own words)
       • Simple translations are switching a few words
       • Far-out translations are more broad
         • Used to identify boundaries of a view
    3. Unstate feelings (indirect inferences to a persons feelings)
       • Requires entire listening
         • Tone of voice, body language
    4. Connecting the dots (combining the different ideas into one)
  • To be used during uncertainty of the message/intention
  • Helps keeps conversations meaningful and relative
  • Empathetic listening isn’t to share our own ideas, it’s to gain insight from others
• Ask permission
  • Some people may have extra information to include still
• Ask if you got it right
• Trust your rapport
• Practice examining people and exploring how they are feeling in a situation

Traps

• Repeating reflection style
  • Antidote: switch up reflection practices and styles of reflection
    • Don’t be a parrot or a robot
• Failure to confirm your understanding
  • Antidote: Confirm when you are thinking “I know”
• You don’t need to get it right
  • Just be heading towards the right direction

Empathy

• Apathy
  • Only noticing facts with no emotion
• Sympathy
  • Helps with connection, but you might end up assuming one’s thoughts based on your own experiences
    • You begin to listen to yourself
  • Shows that we can experience the same as them, but does not provide much support
• Empathy
  • You can understand their situation without being in it
    • You have the understanding of their and your current situation
  • story, personality, worldview, fears, aspirations

Tools

• Describe their world
  • How do they see and see themselves in the world?
  • What do they want or do not want to be?
• Ask to learn more about their world through empathetic questions
• Use other senses to lsiten
  • Explore differences in one’s body and verbal language
• Leave content, go to process of conversation
  • It’s important to also consider how we approach certain topics
    • Ask why people are worked up over something
  • Content includes words, subject, topic, themes
  • Process includes dialogue, tone, listening form, sense tone
• The rule of three
  • Helps regarner focus
    • The key is to acknowledge people’s actions to find the source of the distraction
  • Ask a question regarding the process when 3 interruptions come up
    • Ask them about the situation, rather than accusing them
    • Steps:
      1. Pause the conversation
      2. Non-judgementally state the actions
      3. Follow up and be patient
      4. Reflective statement/ask to elaborate
      5. Ask them how they want to proceed
      6. Return to content
• Big one
  • Same as the rule of three but for a more prominent distraction

Traps

• Saying that they are wrong
  • ex) Petty/sarcastic remarks that prove someone’s opinion wrong
    • Don’t use sarcasm to connect
  • Antidote: Acknowledge their expertise
    • It’s their story, and they are the ones who truly know the details
      1. Know that they are right
      2. Find something you are curious about and follow it
• How does that make you feel?
  • Use alternatives for more options:
    • What is it like for you to experience . . . ?
    • What struck you?
    • What was that like for you?
    • What was your response?
• Pushing upon resistance
  • Antidote: Identify the resistance and acknowledge/encourage it’s presence
• Feeling intimidated to stop the conversation
  • Conflicts/polarizing opinions can yield great insight

6 - Advanced Skills

Debate and Dialogue

• Debates and tension are caused from assumptions and judgements

Tools

• Stop the process
  • Re-assess a situation
• Turn assumptions into questions
  • ex) He did this because → Why did he do this?

Silence

• When asking a powerful question, embrace the silence
• Silence helps introverts think

Tools

• Reading silence
  • If unsure on whether someone is thinking, tell them “I don’t know how to read your silence”
• Encouraging people to stay silent for a bit before answering
  • Diminishes groupthink
• Okay, here is the invite: I invite those who tend to speak first to listen first, and those who tend to listen first to speak first
• Rapid-fire after questions
  • Take the question process slow, then ask each person and say thank you
    • Take notes of encompassing themes or reactionary comments
• Embracing silence
  • Just wait and be in it
  • Smile and make eye contact
  • “Thanks for thinking”

Traps

• Changing topics
• Adding more thought
• Responses to the question
• Antidote: Restate intention

Web-building

• Helps find new perspectives through cooperation

Traps

• Focusing on the leader/facilitator
  • Antidote: Make the purpose feel like a group collective

Tools

• Making connections

  • Ask people to respond to someone else’s statement
  • Tell people to talk to someone, especially if the focus is on you instead of the speaker

• Defining words

• Overtalking

• Staring into the curve

• Working with co-facilitators

References:

Created:: {{6pmt6:2021-06-19}} 13:32