John Mavrick's Garden

Search IconIcon to open search

Last updated Unknown

Status: Tags: Links: Special Day - Journal MOC

My 18th birthday

Event:: 18th birthday

On the Patio

As of starting writing this, it’s currently 12:12 AM, and I’m sitting outside on kristine’s balcony thinking about life its raining and freezing xd Where do I start? What do I want to achieve with this reflection?

First off, congrats to me for making it this far! I’ve definitely had an interesting journey so far to get to this point, and a new one has only just begun with me moving to BC and starting university. From gamecube to pokemon to minecraft to fps games to not playing at all, I think it’s safe to say my worldview has shifted from carefree and playful to something more meaningful and open. I may not be as sentimental and am fully recognizing the significance of my 18th birthday as I probably should be, but at least i’m not just spending the whole day playing video games. Anyways, what do I even wann' do?? Hmm. Good question.

From now on, I truly want to live life the way I want to, with respect to my future self in the process. I really need to hone on my fitness, diet, finances, and time management to make sure I achieve a satisfying level of self-actualization and transcendence. It’d be nice to be as progressive as I was during the first half of the year, but that came at the cost of heavily neglecting rest times and my social life, so I’m not sure if I’d be willing to go through such extremes again for a daily regimen. Rather than trying to prove my productivity through hours spent, I need to make sure the things I do are of high priority in the grand scheme of things, helpful for my future growth or pleasure. I already stopped insta scrolling and watching tiktoks for a while now, but the time vampire that is youtube continues to take a toll on me. Instead of being a consumer, I need to start using some of that excessive time spent on making my own videos, as I think I have a shot at growing a decent audience considering my content creation potential and niche topic. From there, I need to bite the bullet and try my first coaching/course venture, and I feel like my long neglected entrepreneurial aspect of my life can be reawakened.

My relationships. I still have yet to send my messages to everyone, and I’m not really content with how I dealt with everything. Rather than saving it all for the very end, I should also try to show my feelings more without it feeling forced or embarassing. I’ve always admired kuya ej for always being so complimentary, but nothing’s stopping me from doing the same. Anyways, my mom’s side is turning 50, my cousins are going into adulthood, celebrities are starting to age, and I can’t help to think about the massive shift that will happen as the aging process begins to consume life as I see it. I probably shouldn’t let it sway me yet, but I shouldn’t avoid the inevitable at the same time.

Speaking of death, I constantly find myself in situations thinking about where I would question what it would be like if I were to die or commit suicide on the spot. I never think of actually doing it, but it’s a hypothetical situation I keep encountering- either while in the car, near a sharp object, while walking at night, it just never fails to enter my mind. It’s a bit scary thinking about such unknowns, but at the same time it kickstarts my brain to truly think about the situation I’m in, simply admiring my thoughts and what’s around me. Is this related to my flight or fight response due to me perceiving danger? I’m not too sure.

I’ve reread my last late night thoughts, and it’s kinda funny to see I haven’t made satisfactory progress on the different things I wanted to work on, like maintaining connections and finding a new someone. I guess the latter might not be favorable as the possible emotional volatility won’t be good for my studies, but it’s been a while and I miss having such a connection. However, with the typical university dating scene and my unrealistically specific preferences, I don’t think I’ll experience something like that anytime soon. For my current relationships however, whether it be family, parents, existing friends, strangers, and new people in my life, I really need to start being even more grateful and compassionate. I can never get myself to truly let someone know my thoughts until it’s too late.

as;lkfjslakfj im getting so off topic

it’s my 18th birthday. what now? do I wanna make some personal promises to myself? that would kinda be cool :o

wait i need to actually know what i want in the first place to finish this list

i will provide financial freedom for my family, i will land a job that is both fulfilling and valuable, i will find the right person for me, i will live every remaining second of my life content the way I want to be, i will prioritize my health and make sure i’m learning the optimal practices to live a long life

i want this to be the turning point for my life fulfillment. i want this year to be the best i’ve ever lived, and i want the following ones to be better than the year prior. i’ve learned so much within 6 months, and i hopefully have plenty more opportunities to understand the insights of life. my waking consciousness is such a profound concept that i take granted for everyday, and i want this precious gift on earth to be squeezed for all it has to offer (why am i thinking of the scene in aot where eren crushes the hammerhead into his mouth bruh)

it’s only been the first hour of my birthday, i’ll spend some more thinking time after the day’s events- maybe i can think of my future plans and set life principles then??. 1:52 am

Belated Response

it’s been 3-4ish days since my birthday, but I’m in the mood to continue this :p since the last time, I’ve managed to consider a lot of things related to my overall wellness and have been doing quite well, but my stupid overattachment issues have been taking a toll on me lately. with a mix of genuinely wanting to know someone more while also being paradoxically lonely, it hasn’t really been complementing my already clingy and needy nature. i’m definitely handling my emotions and am treating the unfortunate recipient FAR more better than i probably would have a year or two ago, but it’s just too mentally draining and exhausting for no valid reason, which is not a good time to worry about such miniscule things when things like uni life, my parents going back to regina, and stuff like that are right around the corner. i just wished I can quit the irrelevant small talk I put on to procrastinate my underlying feelings, and that I can actually stick to my word when I say I want to live every remaining second of my life content the way I want to be. alskdjaslkdj this overattachment is annoying, it’s crazy how my mind can prioritize a single person’s attention over literally everyone elses. being irrationally emotionally invested is the last thing I need right now, but at the same time, I feel like it’s just a byproduct of my tenacity and overall character so i just have to learn to use it to my advantage.

what do i even want right now to help me get back to my prime?? i don’t think it’s burnout since I’ve been chilling the past few weeks, I don’t think it’s a lack of direction since I have a somewhat clear goal of what I need to do in the future. I think it’s a mix of repressed feelings, me not giving myself the time to think and ponder, and the many obstacles and worries i have at the moment.

wait, how am i gonna deal with not being able to see my parents for months??? thank god i have my relatives to help look after and nurture me, because who knows how fucked i would be if i was left to my own devices during the start of university xd

speaking of youtube addiction, i just spent the past who knows how long watching youtube videos instead of working on my own xd

ok back on topic before i try to sleep again. theres less than 1 month until school starts. what do i feel like would help me?

Gifts

Backlinks

1

list from My 18th birthday AND !outgoing(My 18th birthday)

References:

Created:: 2021-08-08 02:11

Backlinks

  • No backlinks found

Interactive Graph