John Mavrick's Garden

Last updated April 10, 2022

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Chapter 1

There are two kinds of people:
Takers

They get more than they give, and put their own interests ahead of others’ needs. They seek credit

Givers

Are not self-focused and cares about the needs of others more than their own
The difference between the two are not by their charitable donations, but their attitudes and actions towards other people. Takers help others strategically if their benefits outweigh the costs, while givers calculate whether the external benefits outweigh the personal cost.
Giving matching, and matching are three styles of social interaction, but we can easily shift from each mode depending on the people we’re interacting with
Givers tend to do worse in the workforce, and are more susceptible to earn less, be victims of crimes, and be less powerful. However, givers are most often at the top of the rankings
Givers can achieve the same success as takers and matchers, while also providing a ripple effect, enhancing the success of people around them
Many people prefer to be matchers than givers, in fear of being exploited

Chapter 2 - How G, T & M Build Networks

Networking provides us with 3 advantages: private information, diverse skills, and power
By helping others, we reinforce our own reputation and expand our possibilities
Takers may sometimes pretend to be givers in disguise, but then stab you in the back after
People want revenge on takers for trying to take advantage of them. If they fall victim to a taker’s actions, they return the favor by spreading gossip.

We can identify takers by paying attention to certain traits:

Taker CEOs tend to use singular pronouns more often, and earned more money than their senior executives
Takers tend to leak through self-absorbed conversations, and acts of self-glorification
When we have nothing, it is best to make a connection and have a relationship that gives you the opportunity to do something for someone else
Our weak ties (acquaintances) can provide us with various opportunities and new networks
Pronoia is the delusional belief that other people are plotting your well-being, or saying nice things about you behind your back. This is more common if you’re a giver.

Dormant Ties

By expanding our network, we begin to grow the amount of dormant ties- people who were once strong ties, but are not weak ties or less. However, we should try not to neglect our dormant ties, as they may have adopted new perspectives and ideas that are different from the ones we are used to hearing and talking about amongst our strong ties. Due to the previous strong ties, they are easier to approach and trust, which would be easier than forming a new relationship with weak ties
Dormant ties who are takers will be suspicious and not disclose any important information
Dormant ties who are matchers will be motivated to punish previous takers
Dormant ties who are givers will be less inclined to help takers
Dormant matchers may be easier to reconnect with, but they may find it uncomfortable if they feel like they owe you something

Five Minutes

We should be willing to do a favor for anyone if it takes us less than 5 minutes
We should give with not the expectation of something in return, but for help when you need it
By giving often, givers often build up more trust and attracted valuable help, even from people they didn’t help

Chapter 3 - Ripple Effect

Geniuses tend to be takers that promote their interests and drain the intelligence, energy, and capability from others
Genius makers tend to be givers that give people lightbulbs and allow for ideas to flow and problems to be solved
Since takers are focused on doing more than their peers, they will value and remember their responsibilities more than their peers (responsibility bias)
To overcome the responsibility bias, make a list of what your partner contributed before you estimate your own contribution
The presence of givers allows for psychological safety: the belief that you can take a risk without being penalized or punished, allowing for innovation
The perspective gaps implies that when we’re not experiencing a psychologically or physically intense state, we dramatically underestimate how much it will affect us
Givers are able to look past this and see things from other perspectives
Senders underestimate how much recipients enjoyed gifts
To be a giver, we must not see people as obstacles to our success

Chapter 4 - Diamond in the Rough

Takers are not inclined to support those with potential, matchers are willing to inspire self-fulfilling prophecies, and givers don’t need any signs of potential to realize a prodigy
Interest and motivation is what drives people to spend time and energy in developing skills and pursuing knowledge (grit)
Grit is defined as having passion and perseverance toward long-term goals, and people who have grit tend to perform better
Givers tend are the least susceptible to overinvesting in people
When an initial investment doesn’t go as planned, we tend to invest more (sunk cost fallacy)
People tend to make better decisions when they’re choosing on behalf of others rather than themselves
When given criticism, takers tend to refuse the negative feedback, while givers are willing to take a hit at their pride to make better choices in the long run
Givers tend to not be spotted since they usually aren’t the flashiest

Chapter 5 - Power of Powerless Communication

Success depends heavily on influence skills
To convince others, we must communicate in ways that persuade and motivate: dominance and prestige
While takers demonstrate dominance, givers adopt a powerless communication style through presenting, selling, persuading and negotiating.
Takers tend to worry about how revealing their weaknesses will diminish their authority, while givers are comfortable expressing their vulnerability, showing their authenticity and building prestige
The pratfall effect shows how an act of clumsiness has good effects on an expert and bad effects on an average person
The less you talk, the more you learn
This is useful for the sales field, as getting to know your customer builds trust
Givers tend to talk with more powerless speech:
Hesitations: “well,” “um,” “uh,” “you know”
Hedges: “kinda,” “sorta,” “maybe,” “probably,” “I think”
Disclaimers: “this may be a bad idea, but”
Tag questions: “that’s interesting, isn’t it?” or “that’s a good idea, right?”
Intensifiers: “really,” “very,” “quite”
By talking tentatively, the listener is given the option to think about it and reflect
Advice seeking combines expressing vulnerability and talking tentatively
People who regularly seek advice and help from knowledgeable colleagues are rated more favourably by supervisors
Seeking advice grants others prestige, showing them respect. If they are matchers, they will respond favourably and feel motivated to return the favor

Chapter 6 - Motivation Maintenance

Since being a giver is exhausting, what separates a successful giver from one that is unsuccessful is their motivation and energy
Successful givers tend to list more goals related to the benefit of others rather than themselves, but are still as self-ambitious as takers

There are two types of givers:

Selfless givers are people with high other-interest and low self-interest, which can be considered as an unhealthy focus on others to the detriment of their own needs
Otherish givers are willing to give more than they receive, but are still tending to their personal needs
Self-interest and other-interest are completely independent motivations, and you can have both at the same time. Furthermore, people with a hybrid of both tend to be more successful
Teaching has the highest rates of emotional exhaustion
Giver burnout is not due to the amount they give but rather the amount of feedback they get from their contributions
A change in context can renew energy
Chunking tasks helps us realize our progress and keeps us focused on one thing at a time
The 100-hour rule of volunteering implies that people who spend around 100 hours every year volunteering in some way feel happier in life
People work harder and longer when they gave their energy out of enjoyment and purpose, rather than duty or obligation
Burnout is linked to a lack of social support
Consider the alternative stress response to fight or flight, tend and befriend: banging together in groups to provide and receive joint protection in threatening times
If you’re experiencing burnout, tend to someone close to you and help them
Givers are fortified against burnout since giving builds them reserves of happiness and meaning that takers and matchers are less able to access. By giving in ways that are energizing rather than exhausting, otherish givers are more likely to rise to the top

Chapter 7 - Chump Change

A giver’s worst nightmare is being a doormat
Givers are more accurate judges of others than matchers and takers, and become more sensitive to the individual differences and shades between agreeable and disagreeable
Successful givers realize that their everyday choices shape their results, and that the danger lies in sticking with a single reciprocity style amongst all relationships. Givers must still be wary of their environments and be careful of the intentions of takers

Chapter 8 - Scrooge Shift

Pure altruism is when we selflessly give to those in need due to empathy
Devil’s advocate is when we feel guilty or sad about the situation of others
We tend to help those who share a common identity with us or someone who reminds us of ourselves as we try to strive for connection
People tend to suppress their generous character and contribute it to their external reasons for giving
When people made their identity plans public, they were able to claim the identity without following through
Making giving a free choice increases the likelihood of it occurring

Chapter 9

Successful givers get to the top without cutting others down
Even if you aren’t a giver right now, acting like one will eventually make you one

Suggested Applications

Find out if you’re a giver
Run a reciprocity ring
Help others craft their jobs, or craft yours to incorporate giving
Create a system that acknowledges giving
Adopt the idea of the 5 minute favor
Practice powerless communication and become an advocate
Join a community of givers
Launch a personal generosity experiment or help fund a project

Application

Ensure I’m following the 5 minute favor rules, as long as it’s reasonable
Try to re-incorporate giving in my character
Avoid burnout by realizing the influence of my actions
Just keep the idea of giving in the back of my mind