Last updated April 10, 2022

{ Books MOC Tags: #literature/books/finished How to get the most out of this book

1. Have a deep, driving desire to learn and increase your ability to deal with people

2. Read each chapter rapidly

3. Take time to think about what you are reading and how to apply it

4. Take note of important lines

5. Re-read the book

6. Apply the stuff you learn

7. Be reprimanded for your failures to follow the book

8. Self-reflection is important

9. Record your applications of these principles

Part 1 - Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

Chapter 1 - Don’t Criticize, Condemn, or Complain

• People tend to not criticize themselves for things

• It’s important to not criticize to avoid conflict

• Rather than lash out on people, understand their situation

Chapter 2 - Give Honest and Sincere Appreciation

• The only sure way to get someone to do something is to make them want to do it

• Freud states that all actions spring from two motives: sex and the desire to be important

• The desire to be important is a deep desire, yet is rarely achieved

• Insanity can be a result of a person trying to feel important by distorting reality

• “I shall pass this way but once; any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.”

• Understand others and give them experiences that will be remembered for years

Chapter 3 - Arouse in the Other Person an Eager Want

• To influence others, we must show others what they want and show them how to get it

• Understand the other person’s point of view, and adopt it as your own

• Every act we have done was because we wanted to do something

Part 2 - Ways to Make People Like You

Chapter 4 - Become Genuinely Interested in Other People

• Show people you care for them

• Remember birthdays, convey enthusiasm, appreciate their time and efforts

Chapter 5 - Smile

• You must be happy yourself before you spread happiness to others

Chapter 6 - Remember the Importance of a Person’s Name

• Someone’s name is what sets them apart from the rest and casts magic

• By requesting something on their behalf, they will feel important

Chapter 7 - Listen Longer

• Listening to the needs of others builds trust and respect

• As of recently, people are having less friends they can confide with

• The amount of followers increase, but not deep relationships

• Consider asking at least 15 questions per day about people

• 5 to friends/family, 5 to coworkers, 5 to blogs and online stuff

Chapter 8 - Discuss What Matters to Them

• Know the difference between friends and followers

• To influence others, make sure your ideas are similar to theirs

Chapter 9 - Leave Others a Little Better

• If we focus too much on the big goals, we may overlook the small opportunities that make a big difference

• Customer service that fails to continually engage their followers does not end up successful

• Move relationships from being manipulative to meaningful by constantly adding value

• Do to others what you would have them do to you

• If you show people they are right, they will return the favor

Part 3 - How to Merit

Chapter 10 - Avoid Arguments

• Arguing leads to nowhere, and only makes people more convicted in their beliefs

• You can’t have an argument if one person doesn’t want to argue

• Operate interdependently

Chapter 11 -  Don’t Tell People They Are Wrong

• Show respect for people’s opinions

• Telling someone they are wrong damages their ego, and makes it hard to cooperate with them

• Instead, propose an alternative or examine with them possible reasons they are wrong

• “This could be my error, so let’s go through the info to find a conclusion”

• Be understanding

• Instead of providing our opinion (“That’s cruel”, “That’s epic”, seek to truly understand what they are saying)

• Say “I imagine”, “I think” rather than “Certainly” and “Undoubtedly”

• Ask questions in a friendly and cooperative manner

• Judge people by their principles rather than their own

Chapter 12 - Admit Faults Quickly and Empathetically

• Knowing when you are wrong and acknowledging it displays empathy for the people we have harmed in the process; it shows that we are willing to compensate for our mistakes

• We are the only ones capable of taking back our mistakes

• The delay in admitting your mistakes may lead to consequences

Chapter 13 - Begin in a Friendly Way

• We are more inclined to agree with others when we have friendly feelings towards them

• This friendly feeling can be achieved through gentleness and affability

• Even if someone were to approach us in a hostile manner, we can start off the communication with a civil tone

• Know the difference between engagement and interest in a conversation

Chapter 14 - Access Affinity

• The things we get are determined by who we are

• By starting with yes we can turn affinity into influence

• To remain at a yes, we must offer them what they want in our communication

• There are two kinds of agreements

1. Common variety- surrounds two parties holding the same opinion

2. When two parties like the same thing

• The more yeses we have, the more likely we can succeed in getting yeses to our proposals

Chapter 15 - Surrender the Credit

• Credit is not as important as maintaining friendships and influence

• Bad leaders take credit during good events and bad credit during misfortune

• Our success is correlated with the number of people who want to see us successful

• Surrendering credit shows gratitude for the people who have helped you along the way

• Reciprocity is a natural by-product of a relationship where two people share in joys and pains

Chapter 16 - Engage With Empathy

• Instead of beating people down who have wronged us, we can view it from their perspective and imagine how we would be feeling

• Engaging in understanding behavior builds our relationships and reciprocates our efforts

Chapter 17 - Appeal to Noble Motives

• When trying to get someone to do something for your benefit, instead of saying why it affects you, have them consider their own noble motives (what they would do, what would make sense in that scenario)

ex) If you don’t want your picture to be posted on social media, say that your mother wanted them to respect your privacy

ex) Reminding someone of their respectful values to prevent them from acting out of track

• Don’t assume that people’s motives are selfish or deceitful

• Doing business in the digital age is based off helping humanity

• By celebrating the inherent dignity of others, you also celebrate your own

Chapter 18 - Share Your Journey/Dramatize Your Ideas

• Sharing our stories allows for transparency and authenticity

• Take your story to new heights by adding creativity through your tools available and imagination

Chapter 19 - Throw Down a Challenge

• Competition allows for constant innovation to outwin the opponents

Part 4 - Leading Change Without Resistance/Resentment

Chapter 20 - Begin on a Positive Note

• Begin conversations with honest and genuine appreciations before addressing the problem

• We tend to care more about bad things than we do good things

• Our performance suffers when we receive feedback that we have failed in some way

• The best bosses learn the nature of their employees

• After positively starting a conversation, have the ability to flow between points, and be sure to offer constructive advice than mere criticism

Chapter 21 - Acknowledge Your Baggage

• Be open to your faults and ask others for ways to improve

• Acknowledging your mistakes builds trust

Chapter 22 - Call Out Mistakes Quietly

• Indirectly calling attention to a person’s mistakes helps those who dislike criticism

• We can do this by modelling desirable behavior:

• Get those of highest power to model such behavior

• Use peer pressure to make it a standard

• Make sure the environment allows for the adopting of a new mindset

Chapter 23 - Ask Questions Instead of Giving Direct Orders

• People don’t like to be ordered around

• Instead of reviewing others, get themselves to critique themselves

Chapter 24 - Mitigate Fault

• It’s important to separate people from their failures, and to allow for mistakes to happen (as long as they are learned from)

• Acknowledge mistakes lightly, recognize your contributions to that mistake, focus on the positives, and possibly address it from a broad perspective

Chapter 25 - Magnify Improvement

• People rarely receive praise or gratitude from others

• It’s important to deliver praise as soon as possible and from your heart

• Rather than seeing a person’s faults, view their strengths and possibilities

• Make healthy relationships with good communication a priority, practice encouragement daily, be inclusive in your decision-making to make others feel important, don’t be degrading during conflicts

Chapter 26 - Give Others a Fine Reputation to Live Up To

• Make people believe they are of high prestige by giving them a fine reputation to live up to

Chapter 27 - Stay Connected on Common Ground

• Connect goals to benefit all parties involved

• Find common interests, learn more about their day-to-day lives

• If you make an effort, even those who seem unapproachable will tell you their stories, motivations, and goals

• Humility > Arrogance

• We can link the goals of others with our own by:

• Being sincere

• Being empathetic

• Considering the benefits the person will get by doing what you suggest

• Match those benefits to the other person’s wants

• Convey it with the idea that the person will inherently benefit

Application

• Compliment others daily

• Be more effective during the time I spend with others

• Learn more and understand them

• Be supportive

• Refrain from being pessimistic or complaining

• Work on providing criticism in a friendly way without degrading the other person

• Try not to be so selfish during conversations; admit my faults, and try not to be so defending of my opinions

• Refrain from partaking in arguments with the sole purpose of proving my own point

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