Last updated April 10, 2022

Tags: #literature/books/finished { Books MOC

Part 1 - Dealing with Shyness, Anxiety, Insecurities, and Feeling More Confident with Yourself and Others

It is important to acknowledge which parts of your social skills are lacking
There are plentiful of impractical social differences that may make it harder to socialize
It’s important to have an open mind and to accept change
Having a satisfying social life does not mean flawless interpersonal skills
Confidence helps your social skills

Some skills include

Thinking on your feet

Conversation is spontaneous

Multitasking

Paying attention to all the details (verbal, body language)

Proficiency in subskills (listening, assertiveness, invitations)

Having the ability to adapt to different scenarios

Comfortability in subskills (eye contact, starting conversations)
General knowledge of people

People in certain hobbies may have things in common

Knowledge of social situations

ex) Turning down people, approaching new people

Knowledge of the unwritten social guidelines of your environment

Observe and analyze the untold rules

Having a constructive mind-set towards socializing

Not caring too much about what others think about you

Your own personal social style

There is no right way to socialize
Use your strengths to your advantage

Practicing

We can practice by:

Spending more time socializing

More with the people we know
Jobs, clubs, meet-ups
During daily and natural conversations
In non-social environments
Online

Deliberate and structured practice

Join a meet-up and talk to at least 5 new people every time
Play scenarios with others

Take a class

Improv, public speaking, stand-up comedy
Can help with body language and being more loose
Social success can be indirectly improved by the effects of other activities
Trying new hobbies can lead to more conversation content
Social skills can be improved on, even if it may take a while

Chapter 2 - Common Challenges and Concerns

Feeling Drained

Short-term solutions to feeling drained include:

Drink some caffeine
Eat
Persevere through it
Take breaks
Switch up the environment
Nap beforehand

Long-term solutions to feeling drained include:

Being more proficient
Being more comfortable
Pushing yourself to stay in longer situations
Hang around those who you can relate to
Be around people more often

Lack of Motivation

This may be due to:

Anxiety
Being introverted
They aren’t your own goals
Don’t know where to start

We can counter this by:

Handling our anxiety
Accepting that we many not be ready to change
Set aside time to think things through
Getting started is usually the hardest part
Break things down
Focus on the immediate steps
Don’t work on everything at once
Do what you can
Have a supportive environment

Too Busy

You can:

Make socializing a priority
Boost energy levels
Work on time management
Incorporate social life into your plans
Spend quality time over aimless time
Organize group activities

Part 2 - Tackling Mental Barriers

Shyness

Being shy is being afraid of how you might be judged by others
As a result, shy people
Avoid social situations
Bail ASAP
Take less social risks (hanging out, starting convos)
Fail to display their full personality
Miss out on opportunities
Creates poor impressions
Feel miserable
Have trouble making friends

Feeling nervous in social situations
Is similar to being shy
People with social anxiety may shake when under specific social situations, may fear certain scenarios where they become the center of attention, etc
Sometimes we don’t admit that we don’t want to do something since it makes us feel uneasy, so we aren’t able to acknowledge and address the issue
People with SA may be guilty of safety behaviors (drinking, addressing general topics)

Insecurity

Assuming others won’t like you because of the way you perceive yourself
Constantly thinking negatively about yourself
Insecure people try too much to improve their value/please others
Being clingy, being overconfident, overreacting

Discouragement

Giving up the efforts to try and be more social

Chapter 4 - Shifting Mindsets

There are two myths people commonly believe:

There is a way to completely eradicate shyness, social anxiety, and insecurities
You can’t show any signs of social discomfort

It’s impossible to eliminate all social discomfort from life
Aim to be socially functionable
Don’t miss out on social events just because you feel uneasy
Nervousness comes with valued goals
Be okay with showing signs of social issues
Confront your anxiety and outreason them
Assert dominance over them
It’s okay to mention that you’re experiencing social discomfort

Chapter 5 - Handling Counterproductive Thinking

Pattern 1 - Cognitive Distortions

CD are thoughts that are misleading and irrational that distort your skills and environment
Believing that because you feel a certain way, then something related to it is happening
Jumping to conclusions
All-or-nothing thinking
Using never or always
Overgeneralization from one incident
Cherry-picking things
Exaggerating/minimizing skills and results
Catastrophizing (jumping to the worst possible outcome
Should statements that set unrealistic expectations for yourself
Putting self-limiting labels on yourself and others
Believing bad events are caused by you, rather than something out of your control
Dismissing positive events for invalid reasons and believing bad encounters are permanent flaws

Pattern 2 - Unhelpful Beliefs

About yourself
I’m awkward
About the risks of socializing
I can’t have people seeing me screw up
About things you can’t control
I must make everyone like me
About other people
People are always judging me
About improving your social situation
Creating imaginary obstacles

Resolutions

Identify the counterproductive thoughts and beliefs

Beliefs, negative emotions, specific social situations that may trigger things, recent social situations

Examine said thoughts and beliefs
Come up with more realistic, balanced alternatives for your counterproductive thoughts
Continually question your counterproductive thoughts

Isn’t as bad as you anticipate it to be
Should not be overgeneralized
Does not mean you are flawed, just that you weren’t a good match
Could not even be about you
Gives feedback
Still garners respect

Mindfulness

Don’t be swayed by oncoming nervousness/sadness
Practice mindful meditation with the goal of feeling feelings and thinking thoughts without overreacting or judging any of it
Maintaining focus on breathing, and don’t get too distracted by things that pop up

Chapter 6 - Hands On Strategies

Positive Lifestyle Changes

Start dealing with legitimate problems and stresses in your life
Get support
Exercise regularly
Put fun activities into your day that make life richer and fuller
Take time to relax
Meditate regularly
Eat healthy
Cut down on caffeine and alcohol
Sleep well
Get sunlight

Alone With Anxiety

Ride out the symptoms (mindfulness)
Find out the root causes of your anxiety
Distract yourself
Deep breathing
Muscle relaxation
Soothing music
Exercise
Channel your anxious energy into something useful

Performance Anxiety

Accept that nerves are inevitable
Prepare and practice

Put your attention into the present instead of the future possibilities
Jump into interactions

Mid-conversation Anxiety

Have prepared questions
Be okay with looking nervous, and admit it
Listen more

Initiative Anxiety

Build courage
Force your hand
Don’t be too critical of yourself
Gradual exposure

Chapter 7 - Reducing Fears and Insecurities

To full adopt a mindset, we must work towards proving it
Putting yourself in uncomfortable situations ruins the cue of being anxious before the situation approaches
Exposure therapy
To face our larger fears, we must be motivated to change them and to not have any interfering distorted beliefs
We can make a hierarchy of least scary to most scary variations

ex) Go to a party and briefly nod and smile at several people.

Go to a party and ask several people a quick question, politely listen to their answer, and then excuse yourself from the conversation.

Go to a party and ask a friend to introduce you to several people.

Go to a party and introduce yourself to one person who seems friendly and approachable, and who you’re not particularly concerned with impressing.

Go to a party and join a group of approachable people. Don’t put pressure on yourself to wow them or say too much. The idea is just to join them.

Go to a party, join a group, and try to talk to them a bit more.

Go to a party and talk to someone who intimidates you somewhat, but whom you’d still like to get to know.

Go to a party and join a more intimidating group.

Start with short, simple contributions and then work your way up to more lengthy, involved, or controversial ones.

Start by speaking up in smaller groups, and build up to sharing in bigger ones.

Start with groups that are low key and easy to chime in to, and work up to rowdier discussions where you have to be assertive to be heard.

Start with friendly groups that don’t scare you, and work up to speaking in ones that intimidate you more.

Similar fears can be tackled similarly
Debrief after each exposure session
Congratulate yourself after each step
Understand that a one-time occasion won’t help you get over the fear completely

Chapter 8 - Increasing Self-Esteem and Confidence

Having high self-esteem will override shyness, anxiety, insecurity, and pessimism

Increase self-esteem

Practice self-acceptance
Understand that you make mistakes
Set realistic standards for yourself, avoid perfectionism
Be nice and compassionate
Question your negative messages about your value
Don’t base yourself off of social criteria
Make improvements in areas where you’re unhappy
Live off of sale-affirming practices
Being responsible
Living according to your own values
Being authentic
Standing up for yourself
Create supportive environments
Develop positive traits
Take on challenges
Use short-term self-esteem boosts when appropriate

Increasing self-confidence

Self-confidence is established when you feel calm/logical or when you feel bold/amped up
Feeling calm is a result of successful past experiences
Feeling psyched is a result of strong emotion

Disclaimers

You don’t need to have an extreme self-confidence, and it isn’t the only thing you need
It’s not good for your confidence to greatly exceed your actual abilities
No easy way to build confidence

Part 3 - Developing Conversational Skills

Chapter 1 - Basic Understanding of Conversations

Successfulness of our conversations depends on our:

Comfortability and confidence in them
Technical ability to make conversation
Overall personality, interests, values, and opinions

Clarification

We may have trouble with day-to-day conversation since we have no goals, and therefore don’t know what to strive for
Types of goals may include:
Rewarding everyone involved
Learn about the other person to try and find common ground
Share things about yourself with the other person
Demonstrate your friendliness
Catching up with them
Encouragement
Discuss topics
We should also understand what the other person wants, and take that into consideration

Approaches

Be interested and curious about other people, and make it your goal to find out what makes them unique

They have someone they can talk about their passions with

Talk in terms of the other person’s interests

This won’t work if they’re shy, want to learn about you instead, want educated people, are using this strategy themselves, or won’t befriend you because of it
Ineffective in group conversations

Discuss topics you’re better off with

Questions & Statements & Expressions

Questions can be used to:

Ask for new information
Provide more details
Show interest
Statements are answers to questions, opinions, observations, information, or sharing something relevant
Provide enough details to give them something to respond to
Quick expressions to show your interest
Facial expressions or quick reactions

Tips

Literally take anything they mentioned as fuel for a response
Ask people for their thoughts after you’re finished talking
Parts of your life you might not think are interesting may be interesting
Don’t filter yourself too much
Don’t discourage yourself from saying generic things
Accept changes in topic
Develop your own opinions and have more experiences
Learn to relate to more people

Overcoming Stumbles

You overdramatize the mishaps in your conversations
Still shy
Placing high expectations on conversational techniques
Bad non-verbal communication
Make mistakes in conversation
Other person may not be naturally inclined to talk to you
Differences in character

Chapter 10 - Awkward Silences

Silences occur:

At the end of subjects where you try to think of what to say next
When someone makes a thought-provoking point
If people are tired, distracted, or laid-back
Silence is okay as long as you react appropriately to it and it is at appropriate times
“Wow…this sure is uncomfortable. Can’t think of anything to say…nope…”
Say this every time there is silence
Instead, try and transition into a next topic
If they can’t respond to a topic: “I guess you haven’t thought about that”
Exhausted topic: “Guess we’ve said everything about that topic…”
Pondering upon statement: “Yeah, interesting point.”
It’s okay if you don’t have anything to respond with
If a topic you are unfamiliar with arises, just get them to do the talking

Chapter 11 - 1 on 1 Convos

Substages of starting a convo

X says something to Y to start a conversation
Finding common ground and learning the other person

The first few minutes are the most troublesome as you’re adjusting to each other’s personalities
Consider whether the environment you’re in is suitable for 1-1 convos

Conversation Openers

Introducing yourself

Use a different conversation opener and follow up with an introduction

Ask a simple question about the environment

Ask them to do something simple

What’s up/Hey

Have follow-up stuff
If they seem friendly and talkative
No one is rushing to go anywhere

Mid-Conversation Maintainers

Ask questions relevant to the setting

Comment on the shared situation

Give a compliment

Generic getting-to-know-you questions

Talk about interesting outside topics

Try to have unique and engaging questions
If someone else is trying to start a conversation with you, be sure to be friendly and approachable

Taking the Lead

Be the first to ask a getting-to-know-you question
Change topics when appropriate
Switch roles if needed
Do most of the talking

Chapter 12 - Deeper Conversations

Small Talk

Helps get conversation going
Calms nerves as it’s routine
Helps show a bit of who you are through your responses
Social standard most of the time

Unexciting Topics

Allows socializing
If you don’t have time or energy for a thought-provoking conversation
Keeps relationships primed
People may want to talk about fluffy topics

Moving Past Small Talk

Realize if a person’s trying to talk more deeply with you
View small talk as a transition into deeper topics
Not all parts of conversation will be fascinating
Stay enthusiastic
When the other person mentions something a bit more interesting, cling onto it

Connecting with Others

Reciprocating feelings of likeness
Bonding through uncommon but important commonalities
Seeing them as an ally and teammate rather than competition

Encouraging Connections

Work on your skills
Have a desire to socialize
Have things in common
Draw attention to unique commonalities
Let people know you like them
Be comfortable with self-disclosure

Self-Disclosure

Somewhat personal topics

Insecurities, flaws, doubts, embarrassing experiences, ambitious future goals

Very personal topics

Deep insecurities, flaws, doubts, traumatic experiences, controversial opinions
It’s important to not be too personal, as it may make the other person feel awkward

Over-guarded

Seeing social issues as failures you must hide
Believing that you are boring
Nervous of your feared subjects
Defensive when people ask about your family and friends
Avoiding the discussion of secrets by lying or changing subject

Being over-guarded is a self-defeating strategy

Overcoming Over-guarded

Change your attitude on being open with your flaws

Intellectual Conversations

Depends on the willingness of both parties to engage in such conversations

Chapter 13 - Ending Conversations

Consider time limits to conversations
It’s okay to casually end conversations

Methods

Just say you have to go
Let them resume what they were doing previously
Give a reason
Give a conclusion to the conversation then say you have to go
Use body language to convey that you want to leave
Direct them to someone else
Immerse yourself in something else
You can just not say anything in group scenarios

Chapter 14 - Group Conversations

Joining

Match the group’s energy level
Determine whether the group is approachable
Introduce yourself to everyone
Make a contribution when appropriate
Ask if you can sit with them
Begin talking with one person

Being Less Quiet

Try to speak about as much as everyone else
Work on anxiety issues
Make little contributions
Feel tuned in
Remind yourself to say something
It’s okay to be quiet

Handling Hectic Group Conversations

Understand the purpose of such conversations
Tolerate the annoying parts of the situation
You need to speak up to get talking time
Be sure to let other chime in

Chapter 15 - Particular Conversations

People You Know Well

Catch up with them
Find out more about each other

New People Who Know Each Other

People might just be lazy to get to know someone new
Join them in their activities
Accept that you won’t be able to speak for some topics
Act as if you’re a long-time group member, rather than ask getting-to-know-you questions
Don’t feel pressured to display yourself

Party Mingling

Acknowledge the situation and the people and their relations
Don’t worry about how much you do at a party
Arrive a bit earlier for less people
Decide how you want to engage with people
Get someone to introduce you
Get a role
Join/host activities
One can either be mechanical or spontaneous when finding new people
Let people know you’re leaving

Chapter 16 - Empathy

Empathy is the ability to put yourself in another person’s shoes

Emotional empathy, cognitive empathy

Empathy helps

Answer questions about another person
Be more considerate of others
Approach people with an open-minded attitude

Developing Cognitive Empathy

Learn about different perspectives and worldviews
Practice adopting said perspectives
Learn people’s basic needs

Developing Emotional Empathy

Respect emotions
Get in touch with your own emotions
Try to feel others emotions
Play along sometimes

Chapter 17 - Core Listening Skills

Listening helps you take in the most information, which can help contribute relevant ideas
Makes people feel respected

Fundamentals

Intent
Body language
Responses

Chapter 18 - Acting on Another’s Nonverbal Communication

People can have misleading body language to show politeness

Pay attention to:

Facial expression
Tone of voice
Eye contact
Open/closed body language
Leaning
Gestures and manners
Touch
Distracted by objects
Personal space
Body/feet direction
Positioning relative to others
Fashion sense/grooming
It’s important to not be too close to people who display more closed off body language

Chapter 19 - Our Own Nonverbal Communication

We should also consider our own body language

Eye contact shouldn’t just be a death stare
Have a happy resting facial expression
Smile slightly, open eyes, relax face
A convincing voice
Clarity, slowly, loud enough, concise, relaxed but assured tone
Body expressions
Learn how to touch appropriately
Proper hygiene and clothing
Fashion is subjective and is ultimately up to us
Find a good haircut for our face

Chapter 20 - Conversational Mistakes

Don’t force yourself to be flawless when talking to people- be more laid back
If worse comes to worse, apologize

General mistakes

Not contributing to the conversation
Not going along with basic conversation
Forcing dynamics
Interrupting
Bragging
Being selfish
Poorly handling topics
Relying on poor topics
Opening up too quickly
Being too blunt
Always willing to debate
Correcting on minor things
Talking at people rather than with
Trying to talk to only one person in a group conversation

Chapter 21 - Being More Likeable

Compatibility helps
Being physically attractive with good body language
Reputation
Be willing to show your personality and be confident
Be positive and friendly
Make others feel good
Bring something to the table in your interactions
Edginess plays a part depending on the group
There’s a limit to how much being nice is important

Chapter 22 - Being More Fun

People aren’t always in the fun social mode
You don’t always have to be proper and well-behaved
Don’t care about how you may look to others

Chapter 23 - Assertiveness Skills

Important for declining things you don’t/do want to do
Helps get needs met
Don’t be passive
Confidence supports assertiveness
Assertiveness does not imply selfishness
Employ the broken record technique
Say your stance over and over again
Agree but then say your stance over again

Part 3 - Relationships

Steps

Find potential friends
Invite and make plans with said potential friends
Take relationships to a deeper level
Repeat the steps

Loneliness does not imply you are deeply flawed
Making friends isn’t desperate or needy

Chapter 25 - Potential Friends

First go through people you already know
If you can’t find anyone, meet new people

A good place to find new people:

Has interests similar to yours
Naturally breaks the ice
Gets you to see the same people
New people tend to join

Chapter 26 - Making Plans

Be sure to ask for contact information
Feel free to invite yourself into plans if appropriate

Chapter 27 - Deepening Friendships

Spend more time, keep up with them, be personal

Chapter 28 - Making a Group of Friends

Merge people into a group
Meet a friend and join their group
Introduce yourself, start off small, then get others to introduce you
Understand it may take a while to feel like a member, and that it sometimes doesn’t work out

Chapter 29 - Particular Situations

College

People may have trouble making friends because they miss their high school friends, or because they believe they missed the social window
Everyone feels nervous
Find people before the sem even starts
Get to know the campus layout
Orientation weeks
Chat to people who seem interesting

Adulthood

Find people at your job, hobbies, and be more active
Remember that in adulthood arises a wide range in people and ages

Chapter 30 - Troubleshooting

You aren’t desperate if you’re practicing common socializing
Judgement is important when trying to make plans
Don’t be too choosy with friends

Chapter 31 - Looking Forward

Practice the concepts in the book and get out there

Books to Read

Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking

by Susan Cain

The Introvert’s Way: Living a Quiet Life in a Noisy World

by Sophia Dembling

The Mindfulness and Acceptance Workbook for Anxiety: A Guide to Breaking Free from Anxiety, Phobias, and Worry Using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy

by John P. Forsyth and Georg H. Eifert

The Self-Esteem Workbook

by Glenn R. Schiradli

The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem

by Nathaniel Branden

The Assertiveness Workbook: How to Express Your Ideas and Stand Up for Yourself at Work and in Relationships

by Randy J. Paterson

The Lost Art of Listening, Second Edition: How Learning to Listen Can Improve Relationships

by Michael P. Nichols

The Definitive Book of Body Language

by Barbara Pease and Allan Pease

What Every BODY is Saying: An Ex-FBI Agent’s Guide to Speed-Reading People

by Joe Navarro and Marvin Karlins

No More Mr. Nice Guy

by Robert Glover*

Application

Just gotta start practicing so I can make friends in BC
First start off with discord