thoughStatus: Tags: Links: Journal MOC
Thoughts
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April 7 2021
What parts of my life are necessary?
How do I accept death?
How should I live knowing that death can happen at any given moment?
How do I find someone to talk about these topics with?
How can I stop being so reluctant to talk to others
How have people always been willing to reach out to me even though I barely make the first move?
Why don’t I make the first move?
How can I find the right person to spend the rest of my life with?
Why do I tend to always think about my mortality?
How can I personally achieve virtual immortality?
How much does it cost to be cryo-frozen?
What happens after we die?
Should I shift my personal preferences for an ideal significant other?
How much do I need to study to feel satisfied with my AP subjects?
What score am I really aiming for with my AP subjects?
What can I do to find people to talk about philosophy with?
Should I spend more time reading to learn more about the world?
How much do I want to learn about the world?
How much time do I really want to spend bonding with my friends and family?
What is the prioritization amongst my different values?
What should I bring to BC with me?
What kind of content should I make on my youtube channel?
Should I really care if I post varying content on my youtube channel?
Should I discontinue making montages?
How can I ensure that I’m only doing things that are necessary?
Is being productive 9+ hours a day without any days off healthy?
How can one easily change sleep schedules without experiencing jet lag?
Am I unique for pursuing a career in STEM while I am also interested in entrepreneurship and philosophy?
What memories will play during my 7 minute slideshow after I die?
How long will my parents live?
Will I regret my life?
Is it bad to think about mortality this much?
What can I do to control these thoughts?
Is dying a bad thing?
Why should I be afraid to reach out to all the people who have been a part of my life?
How can one repay others for the contributions they’ve made in their life?
What’s the point of indulging in pleasurable activities if we just forget them?
Isn’t it better to just act for the benefit of mankind to leave an impact?
Should I keep spending time playing VALORANT and editing videos?
What’s stopping me from starting a new business?
Do I have the potential to run such a business?
Do I mean what I say in my essays?
How can I influence the lives of millions?
Can more life contentment be achieved through the influence rather than the money gained?
How should I choose my anime?
Should I start getting into Netflix shows?
Should I do something like this more often?
How can I market my app?
Will people be interested in such an app?
Why do I like to kneel instead of sitting in my chair?
How much of an impact will my previous back posture affect my future?
Why can’t I stop my tendency to slouch?
Is it normal to naturally have your mouth open?
What am I doing that’s causing acne?
Are there other people who are in a similar situation as I am?
What can I do to slowly work towards finding the right person/people to confide in?
April 10 2021
To address the overwhelming thoughts I have at night, I should probably start a journal/diary again to record and bring such thoughts out of my mind. Maybe I can spend like 15 minutes around this time of the day to just let it out. Today, I spent some time contemplating on whether I wanted to start tweeting on my twitter account. Now that I think about it, what is stopping me from doing so? Is it because of my perfectionism? Am I unconsciously that afraid of opening up about my true feelings? Why am I keeping all of this to myself? I mean I guess it makes sense if some people just aren’t in the mood for such a conversation, but I’m sure they would still be understanding nonetheless. But, the fact that I’m failing to express my thoughts to two followers? In fact, I’m gonna force myself to tweet before I go to bed. 140 characters would be too little to talk about everything that’s on my mind, but I’m going to try and focus on what I feel to be most important. Reading this makes it sound like I’m on the spectrum, and I wouldn’t be surprised if I was. I just really wish I had someone to talk to, someone who I can share the thoughts that keep me up at night with, someone who I can talk to about entrepreneurship and programming and my future aspirations, just someone who wants to listen. Why am I so concerned about finding someone who has similar interests to confide in them? I mean, from a career lens it would make sense, but in all honestly, it’s not impossible to have someone do the above, as long as they’re willing to listen. When I wake up, I’ll just repress these thoughts until the night as I’m too focused on staying productive, working on my goals, and at night is where I’ll feel the borderline depression and misery I’m experiencing. I currently have the most profound levels of motivation, knowledge, and understanding of myself, yet I fail to organize it and truly make the most out of it. It’s crazy how many tools, resources, and people I can rely on, but yet I’m living the way I am now. Why can’t I start working on my next entrepreneurial venture? Why can’t I get myself to work on my next youtube video? Why can’t I get myself to reconnect with the people who have valuably changed my life? Maybe that’s why I can’t get myself to talk to more people; I haven’t even put any focus on the people already in my life. I’m gonna commit to rebuilding some of the relationships I used to have, I’m surprised I’ve been able to neglect everyone for so long. There’s no way I’m going to die with this regret.
Death. I honestly think I’ve thought about death every day for the past week, and it’s been consuming me at night. I’m actually living right now. I’m also going to die at some point. Some point; the uncertainty of death is fucking scary, man, and during a time like this, it’s even more apparent with all the people perishing from COVID. Now that I think about it, this pandemic has just really been draining, huh. Medical workers are busting their asses off and are undergoing burnout to do anything to flatten the curve, cities are constantly flickering between states of lock down and quarantine, and people have been genuinely stuck in their homes for over a month. The average person lives to be 80ish. 1/80th of your life, stuck at home- what a blessing. Anyways, back to death. It’s just been a heavy burden of mine, and I don’t know who to talk about it with. I don’t want to die; I want to be remembered. I have zero clue who my great great grandparents are, and eventually, that’s also going to be me. I’m such a miniscule portion of this vast universe; being the average person would be less memorable than being a statistic of one of the six million jews killed in the holocaust. That’s how little importance our lives have, and it’s just very unsettling for me. Not only do I fear the process of death and end of life, but I will also literally vanish from the existence of this world when I die. The process of death. It’s surreal how such a life-changing moment (haha, first time I smiled while writing this) is so mysterious. After watching attack on titan and starting to get into jujutsu kaizen, I can’t help but become more thoughtful of death, fear, and sin.
On the bright side, I can try my best to genuinely give everything I have to offer, despite how limited my time may be. I can try my best to leave my impact on the earth and society, I can unleash myself from my self-restraints on things I want to do, and I can have no regrets when I die. Such an idea sounds beautiful, but what’s even more luxurious is figuring out how to accomplish such daunting feats. Making a resonating influence in society. I’ve already spent ¼ of my life, and now I have 3/4ths left to work towards this. I really have to start seeking mastermind groups, mentors, skills to build, possible business ideas, anything to learn more and expand my repertoire. I’m fond of my well-rounded character, being logical but also creative, serious but also laid-back, depressed but also grateful. Tomorrow, I’m going to work on my future visions so I can start making exponential progress towards my goals; I just need to identify my future steps, and make steps towards them. On the topic of being more courageous, I should just fucking do it. The only thing that’s stopping me from pursuing the things I’m hesitant on is myself and my thoughts. Hopefully when I wake up tomorrow, I can acknowledge this and start unraveling the layers of my depression and anxiety. No more regrets of me not talking to someone, or not knowing my future steps to take in life. If I can’t find what I’m looking for, sucks to suck, I guess I’ll have to search harder or make it myself. I’ve been writing for like 40-50 minutes straight, and it honestly felt pretty nice. From now on, I’m going to consider these these ideas:
-Be present in the moment, and don’t be afraid to consider whether what I’m doing is essential in my life
-Not be scared to talk to more people and to find new connections
-Death is inevitable, and it’s my responsibility to not fear it on my death bed by living my life to the greatest extent
-Read more, converse more, learn more
-Spend some time self-reflecting everyday
Jot notes of some ideas I had during my idle-thinking prior to initially writing this-
-Ask people about what has kept them motivated through this pandemic
-I’m curious as to how teachers would respond, I’m sure they wouldn’t mind answering
-Post thought-provoking or informational youtube content related to my discoveries in life
-The benefits of keeping a journal
I just read through my entry today, and I feel light. Wow.
s/o to my spotify playlist for possibly fostering this mindset and helping me transfer my mental baggage into words and sentences!!!
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